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Start of segment timecheck: 13:12

NUMBER TWO    Don't you want to interrogate the prisoners, sir

CAPTAIN    Interrogate them, Number Two?

NUMBER TWO    Yes sir. Torture them sir, stick matchsticks under their finger nails, stub out lighted cigarettes on their skin, sir...

CAPTAIN    Why on Earth should I want to do that?

NUMBER TWO        To get information out of them sir.

CAPTAIN        Oh no no no, I expect they just dropped in for a quick gin and tonic, don't you?

NUMBER TWO        Can't I just interrogate them a little bit?

CAPTAIN        Oh, all right, if you must. Ask them what they want to drink.

NUMBER TWO        Thank you sir. (shouting) All right you scum, you vermin...

CAPTAIN        Oh steady on Number Two...

NUMBER TWO        What do you want to drink?

FORD        Well, the gin and tonic sounds very nice to me. Arthur?

ARTHUR        What? Oh yes.

NUMBER TWO        With ice or without!!!!!

FORD        Oh, with please.

NUMBER TWO        Lemon?!!!!!!!!!!!

FORD        Yes please. And do you have any of those little biscuits, you know the cheesy ones..?

NUMBER TWO        I’m asking the questions!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CAPTAIN        er, Number Two?

NUMBER TWO        Sir!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CAPTAIN        Push off would you, there’s a good chap. I’m trying to have a relaxing bath.

NUMBER TWO        Sir. May I remind you that you have now been in that bath for over three years!

CAPTAIN        Yes, well, you need to relax a lot in a job like mine.

End of segment timecheck: 14:05

Alternate online script (note that this appears to be a transcription of the broadcast, rather than following the script books as the above prefers to do)

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